Day Two: Answered Prayers

It's my first official day, and God is already on my case. ;) I stumbled upon this website on Pinterest called thecollegejuice.com, and on there I stumbled upon this. 

And this is exactly why I am doing this. I believe this, and I used to follow this, but I feel lately that I have been straying away from it. 

This is another great thing I found on this website.

I know it doesn't really have anything to do with positivity, but it is something I really need lately. 

Last night I ended the night as a jerk. I don't exactly remember the things I said, but I know that I offended my friend. I don't understand what has happened to me. I went to bed angry at myself. Usually this sort of self-hatred leads to depression, and eventually self-harm, but I chose to pray instead. As I lied in my bed writhing in anger at myself I began to pray. I asked God to give my friend and me forgiving spirits. I asked him to allow the two of us to wake up in the morning forgetting that anything happened. This was not so I could get away with being a jerk, but rather so that me being a jerk for no reason wouldn't get in the way of our relationship, a relationship that still has a lot of pain in it. She believes I deserted her in a time of hurt. I believe that I deserted her because she pushed me away. She has decided to up and leave me as a friend multiple times, and it's been hard for me to get over, but I am trying. However, I think this hurt within our relationship is what causes me to snap so easily. I still have a lot of pain within me. I still feel that at any moment she could just up and leave again, and that would be it. So I believe my snapping is just evidence of me trying to push her away before we become close again and she leaves again. So many people have done this to me in my life, and it has caused a lot of pain. I unfairly project it unto her because she is the most recent one. This is my attempt at trying to explain my random acts of jerkness. 

I have also been really stressed and in a really weird mood. My friends keep asking me what is wrong, and I keep saying, "I don't know." They all probably think that this response is my way of trying to avoid telling them the truth, for that is what this response has been in the past, but this time I mean it. I don't know. I have been having a lot of trouble breathing lately which I think has put stress on my body. I have a lot of things that I need to get done, but I can't wrap my mind around any of them. I fear that I am going to return back to a state of depression. I just don't know what's wrong...

But to lighten up the mood this morning I woke up and met with my friends for lunch. My friend and I were completely fine. My prayers had been answered. 

The beginning of this project is going to be a real struggle. I'm approaching the finals of my classes, and so this is a really stressful time in my life. The worse part is I have been having a hard time recognizing when I am negative. It's hard to stop something you can't recognize.

Sorry this post was so broken up and unorganized, but that just seems to be my life. Looking forward to tomorrow. Talk to you soon!

Day Three: Walk Me To the Door in this Rain

Rain rain go away, but don't come back another day either. 

The day started as every other monday usually begins. My roommate and I sluggishly find our ways into our New Testament class. The sun was out and there was a warm welcoming breeze. I was happy. The same happiness was within me as I walked out of New Testament and back to my dorm. When at my dorm I realized I had a take home quiz due in an hour that I had forgotten about. No worries. I put some music on and finished the test. I was happy and loving life. I went to go to Math and I was stopped by a wall of rain. 

I was a little disappointed and I went back to grab my umbrella and boots. I walked out, and I quickly realized the umbrella was useless as the once welcoming warm breeze tried to rip it from my hands. However, I was still not upset. I just kept on walking. But things changed once I had gotten to my Biology class where I use my laptop to take notes. 

I had wrapped my book bag in a trash bag to keep as much rain as possible off of my book bag. As the class went on I watched out the window as the rain got worse. I prayed that God would let the rain pour as I was in class, but then allow it to lighten up once I got out. However, Willie's prayers were stronger than mine today. 

Willie is a kid in my 8:00 a.m. New Testament class who prayed this morning for heavy rain so he wouldn't have to run for his fitness class today. Well, Willie, you got your rain. :) 

Walking back to my dorm from Biology was probably where I became the most upset. It was pouring, and I was worried about my laptop. I began to walk as fast as I could with my rain boots that, since I am so short, come almost up to my knees. The rain was pouring so hard as it felt like a waterfall was constantly rushing down my face. It was one of the longest walks I had ever done to my dorm. Finally, I got in the dorm. I was a little bitter and frustrated about the rain. I went down to my room long enough to drop off my book bag, and get my laptop out so it wouldn't sit in the damp book bag. Then I went back outside to go check my mail in the PCSU (our student union center). 

Before going out I was frustrated that I was going to have to once again go back out into the rain. But then I remembered this project. Yes, maybe I am not being negative to someone, but I am being negative. And as we all know misery loves company. The more I allow myself to be negative in any way, the more likely I am to be negative to others. So I decided to change my outlook. Honestly, it  really wasn't that hard. This is part of who I am. This is the entire reason for this project. To get back to who I actually am. I am the sort of person to dance and rejoice in the rain. So I walked out and began to smile, now enjoying the refreshing waterfall running down my face. 

Walking into the PCSU I passed a man with an umbrella. I don't know what it is about Lee University but for some reason I expect every man to be a 1950's gentleman. The kind that stupidly throws his jacket down so that you don't have to walk into a puddle. So I judged this man for not allowing me to share his umbrella to the door. I asked God why he wouldn't do so, and secretly prayed that he would one day bring a man to me willing to share his umbrella. I feel bad for the men on this campus because I feel this is the treatment they get from every girl. There is some sort of atmosphere here where everyone expects to get married, and for all the men to be gentlemen at ridiculous levels. Sorry guys. However, this is not to say that you have the freedom to be jerks either. This is just to say that it is understandable if you do not share your umbrella with every girl in town. 

Then coming out of the PCSU I took the long way. I wanted to be in the rain for a longer amount of time because I now enjoyed it. I saw three people walking in front of me. Two were a couple sharing an umbrella. The one behind them was their friend, a man holding an umbrella. About halfway through the walk he saw me behind them. He turned to me and asked, "Would you like to share my umbrella?" I was a little stunned. I didn't know how to answer. But eventually (hopefully sooner than it felt) I said, "Sure." I get a little flustered in situations like this and often say short mumbled answers. He walked me to the door of our dorm hall. I thanked him, and we both parted.

I began to realize how true it is that if you begin to see things positively, you begin to receive positivity.

Day One: Ground Rules

Many of you may have already read my other blog, "Yes Man: Living Each Day for Thirty Days", and if you haven't it's a blog I did for my English class where for twenty-eight days I was not aloud to say no to anything. I loved the project so much that I decided that I should do another one. This time I am not allowing myself to be negative for twenty-eight days.

Lately, I have found myself hurting others more than helping them, and I can't stand it! This is not who I am, nor is it someone that I want to be. So I have decided to get rid of it for twenty-eight days, and hopefully for the rest of my life.

Throughout this project I will be blogging daily describing to you my troubles. I really hope that you all find this interesting!

Ground Rules:

1. Pretty much I can't be negative
2. If I slip and find myself being negative I have to fix it


I think it's all pretty much straight forward.